I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she looked like the before picture.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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