I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
