I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
