just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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