the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
