waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
