The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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