you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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