How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
