Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
