I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
