I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
