Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize