you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
