im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
