it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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