$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
