Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize