I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
