fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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