Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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