Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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