so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
