you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
