first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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