Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
