I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My ATM looks so different sober.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
