She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
two words...techno handjob
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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