We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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