my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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