um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
