You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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