I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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