I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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