Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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