Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
