My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
