for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
