I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
