You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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