I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
