ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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