just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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