she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
