Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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