So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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