she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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