I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize