im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize