New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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