mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
