He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
