Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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