They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
