i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
