i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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