I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
