I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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