im drinking this country out of the recession.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
