Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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