Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My vagina just recognized that song.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
