I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
