even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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