Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
