just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
