went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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